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(COLUMN OF THE MONTH)

HOMEMAKER OLYMPICS

The Olympics are getting plenty of attention and deservedly so. But there’re other contests which deserve an equally big applause, namely the Homemaker Annual Awards. This little known contest, held in Buttsville, Pennsylvania, grants prizes to the best homemakers, based on speed and skill and like the Olympics, are broken down into categories. These were the most recent winners:

BAKING

FIRST PRIZE: an all-you-can-eat breakfast at Clyde’s Diner on Rt.47 and a 12 ounce jar of pickled pig’s feet.

AWARDED TO: Robin Kruek, who baked 97 vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting in 58 minutes and 32 seconds for young son’s school birthday party.

SECOND PRIZE A free bowling game at Aldo’s Bowling Lane in Fisherman’s Point in the Adirondacks.

AWARDED TO: Andrea Potts, who fried 242 potato pancakes in 68 minutes and 12 seconds for fireman’s barbecue.

SPEED AND CLEANLINESS

FIRST PRIZE: Half price discount ticket on burial plot at Sleep Sweetly Cemetery.

AWARDED TO; Lori, Lue, Potter, who scrubbed three toilets, emptied a dishwasher, bathed four kids under 10. Fixed four beds, Folded 32 towels, emptied 3 cat litter pans and made twelve peanut butter sandwiches in 57 minutes and 3 seconds.

SECOND PRIZE: A free box of strawberry Pop Tarts.

AWARDED TO: Daisy Capasotti, for having the most dust free house in Bolder County, Missouri. She was later disqualified for using a robotized vacuum. Her Pop Tarts were confiscated and eaten by the Judge.

GARDENING AND WEED WHACKING

FIRST PRIZE: A pound of grass seed

AWARDED TO: Leslie Turnip who plucked 532 dandelions off her property and valiantly fought off 42 yellow jackets.

SECOND PRIZE A half a pound of grass seeds.

AWARDED TO: Murial Stoppit, who lopped off her big toe while lawn-mowing. This was an empathy vote, since one of the judges lost his pinky toe doing precisely the same thing last spring. Both toes were later reattached.

DEXTERITY AND PATIENCE

FIRST PRIZE: a month’s supply of Bugs Be Gone spray.

AWARDED TO: Penelope Nickles who single-handedly. captured a wild turkey on her property and donated it to a local shelter.

SECOND PRIZE: A one day vacation at Joe’s Motel in DeLuth.

AWARDED TO: Justine Fogel who removed a wad of chewed bubble gum from her son, Josh’s hair, using only her teeth, in 27 minutes and 14 seconds.

ART AND SKILL

FIRST PRIZE: One free Dog Walking Pass. (If you don’t have a dog, he will walk your cat, ferret or you).

AWARDED TO: Jessie Pimperville, who drew the Sistine Chapel on a toasted bagel.

SECOND PRIZE: Three nails filed and polished at Lucille’s Nail Salon in Oregon. This went to Maureen Vandersmell who folded and filled 97 origami paper pumpkins with 18 pounds of chicken feet candies in an hour and 27 seconds, breaking the record of origami folding and stuffing by a slim 16 seconds.

BRAVERY AND ADROITNESS

FIRST PRIZE: Six week supply of corn dogs.

AWARDED TO: Susie Ling, for climbing on her roof to clean her gutters.

SECOND PRIZE: A 20% discount on Wilken’s nose hair clipper and a complimentary blood coagulating stick

AWARDED To: Daryl Cotton who leapt in front of an 18-wheeler to save a squirrel. Prize was awarded posthumously to her next of kin, Luke, in loving memory of Daryl Cotton. The squirrel did not survive..

This page was last updated on 08/14/08.

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